By sitting at B&N wallowing in self pity, I was choosing to allow my negative emotion to fuel my day.
For years, I chose not to embrace emotion. After a two very formative experiences as a teen, I chose to no longer deal with it, good or bad. I started living my life based on what I thought other people would think of me, and I tried to numb myself to my unhappiness. Unknowingly at first, it became habit to turn to alcohol (or pot) instead of allowing myself to feel.
Guess what? Numbing with substances or bottling everything up is not a solution. Not only did I have no idea how to express myself, I had no idea how to truly live or enjoy life because mine was fueled by anxiety, depression, and booze. Yes, I had joy filled moments, but they held no weight. Uncorking a bottle and accepting that my life was “meh” was easier than chasing true happiness…or so I thought.
Want to know a secret? Being sober and learning how to embrace, analyze, and master my emotions has been life changing. I get to choose how my life is fueled. What?! YES! When you aren’t numbing yourself or bottling everything up, YOU get to determine what fuels your life. Not only can you control it, it feels AMAZING. Being able to fully embrace and feel is amazing. Even the uncomfortable stuff.
The number one emotion that I had a hard time mastering was regret. Regret over what could have been. Regret over what was. Regret over past actions. Regret over things left unsaid. There was so much regret in my heart. Regret is most often associated with feelings of guilt and shame, so it’s no surprise that this emotion was overwhelming and hard to process.
How did I get over it? Well, here is an example:
A short while ago, someone reached out to tell me that they were wrong for the way that they had treated me 18 years ago. They had made a bad decision, one that they knew was wrong, but they refused to fold at the time due to pride. This was a situation that quite literally changed the course of my life. It was an experience that broke me on so many levels. At the time of their admission, I felt surprise, happiness and immense sadness. After spending time thinking on it, I became bitter, confused, and angry. So freaking angry.
Did you know that anger is a secondary emotion? My anger was fueled by my regret. It was fueled by an immense feeling of regret. Regret for not fighting back all those years ago. Regret for not fixing the situation when I had the chance. Regret for allowing it to change the course of my life. Regret for living a life that was not for me.
That regret consumed me for weeks. I couldn’t drink it away, and I became introverted and impatient. I cried at the drop of a hat. I lashed out at the people around me. I allowed that regret to fuel my life. It took my husband finally getting angry with me, to open up about how I was feeling. After saying it out loud and bawling my eyes out, I realized why it consumed me. By being sad over my past, I felt that I was saying I wished my life was different. I felt that I was wishing away my family. Instead of accepting the apology and reframing that entire experience into a positive, I was continuing to allow it to hurt me.
Here is what I did with my regret… I chose to thank God for what he didn’t do. He didn’t allow me to salvage what I had lost. He didn’t allow me to take an easier path. He didn’t allow me a pain free existence. By doing this, he didn’t allow me to miss out on the amazing family and life that I am blessed with now. He didn’t allow me to miss out on the opportunity to serve others by using my past to educate. He didn’t allow me to miss out on knowing him… because I was definitely not on that path all those years ago.
By thanking God for what he didn’t do, I am able to turn my regret into contentment. Into thankfulness. Into joy.
What is an experience that has impacted your life that causes a negative emotion? How can you reframe that experience? Can you choose thankfulness over regret? Can you choose joy over sadness?
Listen, you don’t have to believe in God to reframe your experiences, your emotions, or your mindset. It’s not easy, no matter what, but you can do it. If you want to live a life full of happiness, joy, and contentment… you have the power.
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