Alcoholism comes in many forms. You don’t have to be drinking every day or binging on the regular to be an alcoholic. So, how do you know if you're an alcoholic? Well, I knew long before I got to the point of drinking every day. It was when I found myself questioning whether or not I had a problem that I knew I had a problem.
I tried to convince myself that my drinking wasn’t an issue…
“Not being able to have just one isn’t alcoholism - I just need to learn my limit.”
I never learned my limit. If I had one, I didn’t stop until I was forced to or I went to bed.
“If you can go 3 days without drinking you obviously don’t have a problem.”
In the beginning, I could make it 3 days (usually thanks to outside forces, not my own conviction), but the second those 72 hours were over I would binge.
“You can only drink on Friday and Saturday nights.”
There was always an excuse for a mid-week drink, and I always told myself I'd try again next week.
“You can only have one tonight.”
I could have just one, but then I obsessed over it. Having just one seemed more harmful to my emotional state than anything... I couldn't focus on the people or things around me when I was thinking about the alcohol that I told myself I couldn't have, so I usually gave in as I told myself “just one more isn’t a big deal”.
“You aren’t going to drink tonight.”
The last couple years of my addiction, almost every morning started the same. I told myself I wasn’t going to drink that night - typically due to the nasty hangover I was recovering from. Miraculously, by 4:00pm I felt amazing and convinced myself it was a one time thing (a one time thing that happened nearly every single day).
I started as an occasional binge drinker. I typically only drank if we went out on the weekends with our friends, but once I had one there was no stopping. I progressed to drinking a few nights during the week because, well, I was an adult and I could, right? Then I began drinking most nights to "unwind" (not because I needed it). Eventually, I drank every night of the week for any reason possible... Opened a bottle of wine to cook with? Can't let it go to waste! Birthday? Pop a bottle! Fancy dinner? I've got a great wine to pair with that. Burgers obviously go great with an IPA. Well, now I'm a little stressed...I'll just unwind with a glass of wine. It's Tuesday? Spritzers and whiskey for the win!
It's not surprising that by the time I ended my addiction I was drinking every single evening (and sometimes during the day) with such a high tolerance that I had to hide the extra bottles of wine, spritzers, and whiskey so no one would notice how much I was going through. Always binging - whether that meant 3 or 10, I drank as much as I could manage without anyone noticing that it was too much.
There were a few times over the years that I off handedly said "Gosh I need to learn my limit" or "I think I have a small problem with alcohol - I have a hard time stopping." I played it off as no big deal, and since no one else seemed concerned or agreed with me, I let it go. In the beginning, I happily convinced myself that I was being dramatic. Toward the end, I was thankful for their obliviousness because I didn't actually want to quit (I just wanted to make sure I was hiding it well and no one else was aware of what I was). When I finally hit rock bottom and I looked my husband in the eye and said, "I have a serious problem with alcohol. I think I'm an alcoholic." I added the I think because I was so afraid of being judged, and I was also embarrassed. I was afraid of other people's opinions. It wasn't until I admitted it, that my husband's eyes were also opened to all of the red flags throughout the past 10 years. It was a "how could I have missed that moment".
I'm sad that I knew for so long but was too selfish to get help, but I am so incredibly thankful that I finally did. We were meant for so much more than being shackled to a substance that brings no value to our lives. If you've ever thought "I think I have a problem", made a silly test or goal for yourself around your drinking like I did, you spend all day or all week waiting for the moment you can indulge, or you know that you can't happily have one and be done - you may want to dig a little deeper. Admitting the problem to yourself is the first step to living a life not controlled by a substance. It's the first step in learning to love yourself and living a life of abundance in sobriety.
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