Looking back on the days before I got sober, there are many instances that I could sit and dwell on for hours… things that I am ashamed of and wish I could go back and redo.
One of the only things I can say is a “positive” when it comes to my past drinking is that I hid it extremely well. Yes, I know that sounds terrible, but there is a valid reason that I now consider this a huge win. My children were never negatively effected by my drinking. I know that when the time comes to share my entire story with them (yes, I will because they deserve to know), they’ll have no personal recollection of any instances where their mom embarrassed them or wasn't present or mindful. I count myself extremely fortunate in this regard.
That being said, I tried to stop many times. Each time I tried to quit I would typically last 1-3 days and give in. I wasn’t brave enough to ask for help, and I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the voice that continuously whispered in my ear, “You don’t actually have a problem. You can moderate. What will people think of you?” After trying and failing, I felt defeated and my drinking and obsession with it only got worse. My tolerance went up with the number of drinks. My hangovers became normal. On one hand, they hardly bothered me at all anymore, yet on the other, they got progressively more damaging. But one of the most embarrassing and scary side effects, and one of the biggest reasons that I wanted to stop, was that I started forgetting things. No, these weren’t all alcohol induced blackouts. I would forget things that happened during the day when I wasn’t drinking too. Most instances were moments that involved my kids. I would forget stories they told, dances they shared, and artwork they did.
You would think I would stop or slow down, but instead I “got creative” because [of course] it wasn’t the alcohol’s fault. I just had a bad memory.
So, I started using my phone to record things. I would take pictures of artwork and writings. I would video their “secret handshakes”, dances, and stories. I would pretend to know exactly what they were talking about the next day, and then scroll through my phone when they turned away to verify that I had it all right.
It physically hurts to know that I my priorities were so backward, and I could lose endless amounts of sleep over these moments because I know that I missed out. Instead, when I find myself going down this rabbit hole, I take a deep breath and remember that I’m present now. Right now. In this moment. Always. I don’t need to take a picture or a video because I’m here watching and listening with a clear mind and a full heart.
Instead of stressing over the past, I live happily in the present. Instead of feeling anxiety over my future, I live in anticipation of all the good things that God has in store for me. It’s so incredibly easy to get distracted from what's important in life and lose our way. So, what's taking you away from being present? What’s preventing you from being mindful in every moment? Maybe it’s not alcohol… maybe it’s work, social media, insecurities, or stress. These are all things that many of us deal with on a day to day basis. Does whatever is distracting you bring value to your life?
One of my goals is to be a "great mom". In order to be that person, I need to show up and be present for my children. Each month I set new goals for myself in this area. This past month my 3 things were:
Say "YES" to their invites/requests 3 times a week. This can be anything from them asking me to play a game, draw a picture, or take a walk, to requesting to help me make dinner.
At least one intentional and meaningful embrace daily. These are real hugs. Not the quick "gotta give you a hug before bed so I can finally have time to myself hugs".
Friday Family Night. We have dinner together every night at our dinner table, but Friday night is more intentional. Every Friday night we put our phones and work away, and we spend time as a family. It doesn't matter what we are doing - it's just time to be together. No distractions. No excuses.
Setting goals for ourselves is a great way to make small changes that will positively impact our lives. What is an area in your life that you would like to improve, and what goals can you set to help get you there?
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